Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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