Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
only you would photoshop your dick
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
