Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
