had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
