you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
