Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
