I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
