She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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