I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
