do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
