i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
They have beer where we have blood.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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