In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
