He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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