apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
