Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
