I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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