if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
