Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I faked an abortion last night.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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