You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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