I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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