i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
