I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
