college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
