You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Randomize
