sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
