I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
