and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
