I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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