this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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