I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
