you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
