I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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