He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
