I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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