I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
