i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
