my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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