The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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