so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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