My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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