I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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