I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
