Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
