Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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