Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
