i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
