I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
