I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize