is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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