just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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