I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
