Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
