So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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