i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
