OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
