im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
im holly from the hills drunk
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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