I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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