Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Just cropdusted the office
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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