Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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