So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
