I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
