I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
