Whod you bang
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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